he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
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