so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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