chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
