I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
it was like eating out sand paper
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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