did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Randomize
