So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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