i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
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