Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
