The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
You have to summon your inner elephant
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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