dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
