I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Randomize
