Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Randomize
