theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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