We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
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