How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize