Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize