if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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