No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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