he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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