:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Randomize
