A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
