Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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