The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Randomize
