how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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