we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
