2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
