1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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