her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Randomize
