You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
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