so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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