she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Randomize
