he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
