Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
