I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
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