you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
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