some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
