I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
