Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
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