Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
