I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
