My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
