i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
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