I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
