and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
The Olympian is in my bed
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
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