you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
