turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
