you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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