good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
Life is so much better after having sex.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
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