i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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