Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
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