i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize