this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Randomize
