oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
