Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
