cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
not ubering you a puppy
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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