I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
