i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Randomize
