Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
