So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
