im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I accidentally burped into my bong.
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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